March 13th, 2013
Have you ever felt so consumed by your feelings that you couldn't think or see straight? The emotions permeate every breathe, every beat of your heart and you can actually feel physical pain. Paint and canvas offers you solace, a safe haven to explore without judgment, without fear of betrayal and inefficiency.
I painted Consumed with specific ideas in my head, I felt the need to go there; the solace and inclusion it offered up to me was welcoming so I closed myself in for a bit. I know I am wanted and loved there. I used techniques that also mirrored the emotions I was feeling and that in and of itself had healing qualities. When I felt done, I stepped back to take it in and it brought me to tears. I didn't see it before, I didn't know how to put in words what I was going through, but there it is on that canvas. I was humbled that I knew without knowing and in the expression of art, one of my most favorite ways to spend my time, I found some peace, or at least acceptance of my current reality.
I almost titled the piece, A Self Portrait, but that's not right. It may reflect me now, but I hope it won't in the near future. I don't have the answers I need, but at least I know how to feel, I don't always like how I feel but I like that my heart is beating and I can paint.
Thanks for reading!
September 26th, 2012
I've been told in the past that I am an extremely tolerant person (not to be confused with pushover). In the same breadth warned that that could be dangerous for those close to me. Everyone has a breaking point, right? I am such a private person and I internalize so much. Sometimes I just need an outlet; a means of release. My emotions can get so immense at times that an outlet is required so that I can truly understand their impact on me. Strong emotional experiences (big or small) inspire me to create artwork and when I am experiencing something that I know will either bury deep inside my soul to fester or something so overwhelming I feel physical pain I get to work.
I create work not expecting to see anything specific, I don't set up for an image; I create work wanting and needing some sort of clarity, a revelation. I try different things all the time with tools, techniques, media, you name it. Sometimes a wonderful, amazing piece is realized that says so much about who I am and allows clarity to really set in. Other times I am so saddenned by the reality of what I've created because it is so honest I am forced to confront it. Once I've completed a piece, I instantly feel vulnerable. The good news is, I am usually the only one who gets it, my secret. When I share my work, I risk others getting it, and it scares the living 'you know what' out of me.
Creating art for me is an outlet for release, it is gratifying, it is a form of therapy. I exert much energy emotionally and physically at times and more often than not it provides me with relief, with perspective. I sometimes look back and say, I am glad I got that out of my system or yes that is exactly how I feel.